I think I may have stumbled on the next big thing in long-term care: laser weeding.
Yes, you heard me right. Laser weeding. The possible uses for this innovative management tool are almost endless. But I can already hear you asking: What is O’Connor talking about?
Good question. Laser weeding is a relatively new invention, primarily used in agriculture. Basically, it’s a high-tech zapper some farmers are using to remove weeds from their fields.
But why should farmers have all the fun? Imagine if we could harness this cutting-edge technology to deal with some of the proverbial weeds in long-term care facilities. I’m talking about those pesky problems that tend to pop up uninvited and take root in the sector’s otherwise well-tended gardens: uninvited surveyors, unfriendly family members and bad-attitude employees.
First, let’s address the surveyors. We all know the drill: the surprise visit that sends everyone into a frenzy. Now, picture this: an early warning system that detects the distinct whiff of a surveyor’s clipboard as soon as the inspectors set foot in the parking lot. The laser, hidden discreetly in a flowerpot, activates. A quick zap to their clipboard renders it blank. They’re left scratching their heads, while you buy precious time to make sure everything is shipshape.
Now we all love our family members. But let’s face it: some are, well, not very nice. Especially the relative who’s convinced a loved one on Medicaid should be getting 5-star hotel treatment — and isn’t shy about letting everyone know it. Install a laser system near the entry that scans for elevated decibel levels and the unmistakable tone of a condescending rant. As soon as the system detects a voice hitting that special pitch only small dogs and annoyed family members can reach, a gentle laser zap plays soothing spa music, and releases a mist of calming lavender scent. By the time they’ve noticed the change, they’re so mellowed out they might even compliment the fluorescent lights.
Finally, the pièce de résistance: employees with bad attitudes. Every workplace has them — those nattering nabobs who seem to spread nothing but negativism. Here’s where the laser weeder truly shines: Simply program it to detect the universal signs of a sourpuss: slouched shoulders, rolling eyes and that oh-so-subtle sigh of exasperation. As soon as the laser picks up on these cues, it zaps their name tag, which then displays a rotating series of motivational quotes and cute pet pictures. It’s hard to stay grumpy when you’ve got a tiny kitten doing yoga on your chest. If that doesn’t work, a second zap triggers a hidden speaker that plays the song, “Don’t worry, be happy.” Before they know it, they’re whistling along, bad mood vaporized.
Sure, these tweaks might raise a few ethical considerations, legal questions and perhaps an occasional need to explain why the facility smells like a lavender field. But think of laser weeding’s possible payoffs! No more dreading the sound of approaching footsteps or bracing for the latest complaint. If only!
So let’s embrace the future. With a few well-placed lasers, long-term care facilities can weed out these and more headaches. And with these human dandelions neutralized, operators might find they have more time to smell the roses.
John O’Connor is editorial director for McKnight’s.
Opinions expressed in McKnight’s Long-Term Care News columns are not necessarily those of McKnight’s.
