There are times in long-term care when our work becomes more than personal. Home and work may collide in deeply meaningful ways. Maneuvering through that time is a dance no one really knows how to lead.
In my 20-plus years in this field, I’ve noticed a few things. When we work in communities committed to creating the best possible atmosphere for people, it can be especially challenging when “those people” are “my people.” When someone we love comes to live in our communities, we are on high alert.
In addition to living the experience myself for several years, I’ve noticed how co-workers navigate this well and when they struggle.
My grandparents moved to Friendship Haven sight unseen and lived in our apartments before living in our health center. Our health center was their last home, and while they left us at different times, each experience taught me more about myself, more about the work we do, and how deeply personal it is to those we serve.
There are other fields — schools and hospitals, for example — where worlds obviously collide, but I believe our field is unique. There is no handbook, no correct way to advocate for loved ones while also serving as a leader trying to balance all perspectives.
I’d like to offer some simple advice if you have a loved one come to live in the long-term care community you work in. Specifically when your loved one has traveled through areas of your campus and is nearing the end of their journey.
Let’s assume the community you work in is deeply committed to employees and understands that life and the end of life happen to us all. If your culture does not have that value, the following advice may not make sense.
- Decide right away if you are the go-to person. Just because you work there doesn’t mean you need to know everything and/or decide everything. You are easy to reach, right down the hall sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you are always on call. If you aren’t the go-to person, let the go-to person take the responsibility; don’t pop in and make decisions because it may be convenient.
The leadership lesson: Sometimes it’s OK to not be in control.
- Be prepared to see things you haven’t noticed. When your loved one is on the receiving end of care, you may see things differently. As a leader, be open to this experience; while it’s deeply personal, it’s also enlightening.
For example, my grandma always wanted her purse. Before my experience with her, as an assistant administrator, I would have professionally told the family, “We should lock her purse up,” or, “She won’t need that here.” How naïve of me. My grandma’s purse was her identity. It’s where she kept playing cards for an impromptu game of canasta, her extra Kleenex (her everyday Kleenex was folded in her shirt sleeve), her hard candy, stuff that made her who she was.
Leadership lesson: Sometimes “things” absolutely matter.
- Consider carefully how you spend your time. I’d like to say there is a clear answer to this. In my experience, it’s different for everyone. Some teammates can “pop in” for a few minutes throughout the day and get back to work. Other teammates could not. An hour visit turned into half a day. Guilt sets in about not spending enough time with mom or not spending enough time at work. For people who don’t work in our field, it may feel a little cleaner. For us, the lines can be blurry since we are so physically close.
Leadership lesson: Be intentional about how you choose to use your time.
- There is no right way or wrong way. Let go of the notion that you “should” be doing things or feeling things the way you are “supposed” to. We see people in transitions through life often in our work. Just because we see it regularly doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely challenging when it’s happening to you. Don’t apologize for your feelings, your time away from the office, or even the emotion you might show at work. Your emotions are completely your own.
Leadership lesson: Vulnerability is a sign of strength.
- Let your co-workers love you. There will be a lot of check-ins, hugs and support. Take it. Let it sustain you. This is why you are in the field you are in. We are in the love business. We love all our families, including yours. This is perhaps the time our field shines the brightest, when we care for families that are hurting. Just because you work there doesn’t mean you shouldn’t receive that kind of love and support. Leadership lesson: You don’t always have to be strong.
This blog may hit a little closer to home. As I wrote this, I am again sustained in our work. It isn’t just business; it’s life. What an awesome responsibility we in long-term care have. There are certainly challenges and problems that need solving every single day.
Personally, I can, as a granddaughter and as a CEO, say that without a doubt, we do good work. Navigating work and life at the end of life is a beautiful dance if you allow yourself to hear the music.
Julie Thorson was the 2018 recipient of the LeadingAge Dr. Herbert Shore Outstanding Mentor of the Year award. She currently facilitates LeadingAge Iowa’s Leadership Academy. She is a LeadingAge Academy fellow and former coach. The Head Coach (president and CEO) of Friendship Haven, a life plan community in Fort Dodge, IA, Thorson is a coach’s daughter at heart. A former part-time nursing home social worker, she is a licensed nursing home administrator and an alumna of LeadingAge’s Leadership Educator Program.
The opinions expressed in McKnight’s Long-Term Care News guest submissions are the author’s and are not necessarily those of McKnight’s Long-Term Care News or its editors.
Have a column idea? See our submission guidelines here.
